Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
