my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
