Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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