My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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