just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
