I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
