my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize