Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
