Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
