her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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