If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
