I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
