It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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