I checked into jail on foursquare
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
