I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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