Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
