Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
