Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I want to have your abortion
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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