I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
