Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
