Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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