Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
