you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
