Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
