Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
