Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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