I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
