i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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