I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
