forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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