the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
