She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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