I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize