Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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