i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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