I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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