From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
