Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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