I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
