You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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