Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
