life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
