I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Couch. On fire.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
