People in love make me want to vomit
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
