bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
