I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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