My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
