I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I deserve this hangover.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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