Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
