I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
