party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
