saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
