Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
