My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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