So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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