I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
