i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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