Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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