I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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